Gosh I don't even remember what I last updated on this blog.  As always, a lot happens when you go on a break.  So here's a shot at it.

Last year in March, things finally ended with the shit head Alexander.  Then I went on for a few months just trying to catch up with my friend's wedding and a very platonic relationship with Brandon.  We never kissed or did much except hold hands and hug for all those months.  I guess it was a good thing to do it that way.  If it had gotten any closer, we probably wouldn't even be friends right now.  I called that off in very early September when I met Fernando.  I was totally crazy about that guy, but the more I got into him, the more depressed I felt.  There was no sound reason for it, except that the more I got to know about him, the more I felt he was really great and my self-esteem got so low that I felt he was too good for me.

We only slept together twice, and it wasn't super great or anything.  Maybe just a way to pass the time.  He went to Seattle one weekend and when he returned, it just didn't feel the same.  I was so sensitive to the vibes of "I don't think we should see each other anymore."  Anyway, the night he called off us dating was also the night before my students and I were to go on vacation for two months.  I felt so sick and horrible the next morning at work and could get nothing done.  Thing is, we stayed up late when I met up with him after class and by the time I got home, it was almost 1 or 2am and I had to be up at 5:30 again.  When I got home from work that day, I took a xanax and tried to relax.  I slept a lot and didn't make it to pupil free day to clean up my room for the next teacher.

That weekend, my health wore down even further.  By Sunday, I was crying uncontrollably and knew that something was very wrong.  I had to call Fernando to help me because he was the one that lives the closest to me.  Considering he lives 5 minutes away, I don't know why it took him 40 minutes to get here.  He drove me to a few hospitals nearby but we couldn't find the Kaiser with an emergency room.  Anyway, he helped me find some phone numbers and brought me back home.

I had been eating so little between September and October that I'd lost about 15 pounds and still couldn't eat even during my visits to the therapist.  The psychiatrist was quick to prescribe Prozac.  I took it for about 5 weeks.  All of November, I made it a strict routine to get up, grab my pills, my vitamins, my XS energy drink, and a bottle of water.  I'd do 30 minutes on the exercise bike and some situps.  I lost quite a bit of weight and was looking really good in my jeans and dresses.    My mood was so much healthier and positive and I was so glad to crawl out of that depression.

So for that, I don't regret meeting Fernando.  I mean, there were still two more times that hurt my heart a little but I decided to hold on tighter to the friendship and not the crappy dating we did.  I joined "the business" at the end of November because I fell in love with the people involved and the way that Fernando spoke about it.  He coached me through the sign up process and provided me with plenty of reading materials.

In December, the night before my mom's birthday, he held a meeting at his place and a few of us hung out after it ended.  We mixed rum with some energy drinks and I guess we drank more than we should have.  After an hour of it, there were only three of us there and F and I began to wrestle.  It scared his friend away so next thing I know, we're alone together goofing around punching and kicking.  He bent down a few times to kiss me on the forehead. Totally confusing.  By the end of the evening, we were kissing on his bed but it went no further.  Eventually he passed out and snored all evening.  Very unattractive.

Anyway.

My birthday rolled around the next week.  Went out to dinner the Saturday after my birthday and that's when I met my friend's older brother, Jose.  Didn't think much of the guy.  All I knew about him was that his wife had passed away only quite recently and I suppose he was just trying to get out and have fun.  Didn't see him again until the 2nd week of January when we all went dancing after our friends came to visit from New York.  We danced together and that's when I finally got a clue that I should give the guy a chance.  We met up that whole 3 day weekend and talked until 3am Sunday night.  Poor guy.  I had Monday off but he had to go to work.  Since then, we e-mailed, hung out, and fell in love.

Now:

I'm moving out, finally.  I've run out of room here at my mom's and it's time for me to figure out what I want and how I want it.  Jose suggested that when my lease is up, we should move in together.  Hearing those words made me feel quite happy because it's all HIS idea and not my suggestion.  I guess that's how I know we're really serious about each other and we want to make our dreams happen.  I was thinking that I would live on my own for more than a year, but I guess I won't know until March '08.  If he finds a 2-bedroom apartment before my lease is up, then I'm all for it.    Not sure what my mom will think of it, but I'm 25 and have to really do the best of everything with the next 10 years of my life.  Otherwise, I'll just be a vagabond woman.

Weird.  Paul decided to come out about his feelings for me and that he would like for us to date to see where things go.  Last October I would have said yes, but Alexander got in the way of this.  I've been finding out far too much about things that happened that night such as the fact that Paul was going to express an interest to me and that Alexander put the moves on me despite Paul expressing an interest.  This means that the whole time I was seeing Alexander was his way of trying to be better than Paul.

I was also very upset at knowing that everything I've come to know is only part of the truth.  Alexander had been lying far more than I thought.  It hurt to realize that Paul knew these bad things were going on behind my back but he couldn't tell me to spare me the trouble.  Only now is he telling me all the bullshit Alexander made up about me.

Anyway, Paul is 10 months too late in telling me how he feels.  Had he said something last October this would all have turned out differently and I wouldn't have been put through such a horrible mess.  But yeah, that's over now, and Paul wants to date.  It doesn't seem like a good idea to have anything romantic with him even if he is no longer speaking to the shit bag.  I'm just not feeling it anymore.  I do like him, but not enough to want to date.

Alexander turned out to be insane.  I can't believe I pined for him as much as I did.  Had I known that the person he pretended to be was not even close to being real, I could have saved myself from this terrible mess months ago.

I can't believe how much I cried and how much he hurt my feelings and I just accepted it.  I'm more ashamed of myself for taking such a suboordinate position.  He dominated too much of my life as the weeks went by.  He called too much, which at first seemed cute, but now that I have a point of reference, it's not cute anymore. 

When I found out he was seeing someone else only a day or two after he cut me off, it really hurt.  Then soon, an ex of his got in touch with me and when we put our stories together, I learned that he had lied the whole time about how he didn't talk to his ex anymore.  He was using the both of us at the same time to help him with his little favors and to serve him while he was temporarily incapacitated with sprained ankle.  He told me on several occasions that he no longer spoke to her and he practically made her sound like a pathetic girl who was still trying to stay with him.  He mocked the presents she left for him on his birthday and the phone calls she sometimes made while he and I would hang out.  He never was honest about who she was or that he was actually still calling her.  So all the time he made it seem like she was the one looking for him, he never admitted that he too called her for things.

Learning all this, I sent a message to the new girl he met and told her everything I had learned.  She responded with harsh words and so did he, both of them telling me to "leave them alone" and her claiming that they were happy together.

About two weeks went by and I felt so much better about myself.  I got my self-esteem back and I realized that I hadn't suffered a loss at all.  I decided to seek out peace for myself and enjoy my friends and family again.  I started talking to my family again and got my place back, the place I had given up for five months. 

Last Monday, his new girl decided to contact me to tell me that she broke things off with him because it turned out that what I said about him was right, that he was condescending with her and she couldn't stand that "countless phone calls."  She apologized for what she said to me.  When I responded to her message, I told her that it's not like I never wanted to hear from her, but that I did step back and re-evaluated what I had done and felt foolish for it, but at no time did I lie about what I said.  I told her I nearly cried when I read her note because it showed me that at least once, you can come through for another woman and mean it.  I told her that it's a big mistake women make when they go against each other when men are involved.  She responded again and said that she got tired of him telling her she was stupid and also gave me her number.  I called her immediately and we talked twice that evening.

She has called me a few times since then just to update me on the strange things he's doing and the screwed up things he's saying about me.  It turns out that he lied to her tremendously about who I am and what we ever did together.  It amazes me how he can be so petty and that he would be so base as to not value any of the experiences we had.  To me, they seemed real.  To him, they were probably just part of a fantasy life that I accidentally became a part of.  He's so incredibly horrid and depraved.  I can't believe I had genuine feelings for some fictional creature.  He's suffering now, crying about how much he claims to love her and how upside down his life became when meeting her.  Everything I ever knew is the complete opposite of what she tells me she knows of him. Amazing.

Now, I'm only worried that his insanity will affect me in a physical way. I hope that I never see him again and that we never have to bump into each other.  And if we do, I hope I have someone with me.  Who knows what an acid headed alcoholic might try to do.  Nothing, I hope.